Eastbourne Residents Discover ‘Quick Trip Into Town’ Is Scientifically Impossible
Local research confirms every ten-minute errand eventually involves coffee, an unnecessary purchase and somebody you haven't seen since 2014.
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Local Stories
The latest satirical stories from Eastbourne and the surrounding area, featuring local life, landmarks and community news.
40 published stories
Featured
Eastbourne Man Accidentally Says Town Is Quite Nice, Forced To Hand In Local Resident Card
Lifelong resident enjoyed Eastbourne for almost ten uninterrupted minutes without mentioning parking, empty shops or how much better everything was in 1987.
Eastbourne Man Claims He Knows Secret Free Parking Space, Refuses To Reveal Location Even To Family
Local resident says information will be passed down only when he dies and warns relatives not to follow him.
Featured
Eastbourne Residents Demand Answers After Sea Moves Further Away Overnight
Locals call for immediate investigation after English Channel discovered hundreds of metres further away than it was earlier.
Featured
Residents outraged as town’s new slabs are cleaned — because apparently getting wet is now a civic emergency
Residents have been advised that if they encounter a pressure washer, they can simply walk around it — a radical new concept currently being trialled in several parts of the country.
Eastbourne Man Reports Suspicious Activity After Seeing Someone Under 30 In Town Centre Before 9am
Police not involved after mysterious young person confirms they were simply going to work.
Eastbourne Family's Quick Walk Along Seafront Enters Third Hour
Children demand emergency transport home after father insists "we've basically turned around now" for the fifth consecutive time.
Featured
Eastbourne Man Sits On Seafront Bench For Five Minutes And Somehow Learns Everything Happening In Town
Local resident now aware of three divorces, a parking dispute and why nobody speaks to Carol anymore.
Featured
Eastbourne Residents Demand Airbourne Aircraft Come Back After Realising There's Nothing To Look At Anymore
Locals experiencing severe aviation withdrawal after accidentally looking at normal sky for three consecutive days.
Featured
Eastbourne Man Who Said "We Needed The Rain" Now Demands It Stops Immediately
Local resident withdraws support for precipitation after discovering he has plans later.
Featured
Eastbourne Residents Stunned After Train Actually Arrives At Station
Passengers describe unprecedented scenes as service appears on departure board and then physically turns up.
Featured
Eastbourne Returns To Normal After Spending Four Days As Centre Of Known Universe
Airbourne 2026 declared a triumph as residents wake to disturbing sound of absolutely nothing flying over their houses.
Eastbourne Woman Puts Washing Out After Seeing Blue Sky, Immediately Causes Torrential Rain
Residents demand she checks the forecast next time before making decisions affecting the entire town.
Featured
Eastbourne Man Accidentally Joins Tourist Coach And Doesn't Realise Until They Reach Beachy Head
Local resident says he "just followed everyone else" after becoming confused near the seafront.
Eastbourne Pier Breaks Free Overnight And Begins Drifting Towards Sovereign Harbour
Residents told not to panic as landmark is believed to be travelling at "walking pace at best".