Eastbourne Man Who Said "We Needed The Rain" Now Demands It Stops Immediately

By Barry Beakman, Senior Local Correspondent

EASTBOURNE — An Eastbourne man who spent several weeks insisting "we desperately need the rain" has formally withdrawn his support for rainfall after it continued for slightly longer than he personally required.

The 61-year-old resident welcomed the first drops enthusiastically from his kitchen window on Tuesday morning.

"Good," he reportedly said.

"The gardens need it."

Approximately 23 minutes later, he remembered he was planning to walk into town.

His position changed immediately.

"This is getting ridiculous now."

Initial Support Extremely Strong

Neighbours say the man had been one of Eastbourne's most vocal advocates for increased rainfall.

During recent dry weather, he regularly inspected his lawn before announcing:

"Ground's absolutely bone dry."

Nobody had asked.

He also informed several neighbours that a brief shower wouldn't be enough.

"What we need is a good few hours of proper rain."

At 10.12am on Tuesday, proper rain arrived.

By 10.38am, he wanted it gone.

"You'd think it'd know when to stop."

Garden Has Now Had Enough

The resident initially defended the conditions, explaining that prolonged rainfall would benefit gardens, parks and the wider environment.

This argument collapsed when he noticed his patio furniture getting wet.

He then stood at the back door watching the rain with increasing hostility.

"Alright," he said.

"That's enough."

The rain continued.

He shook his head.

"Typical."

His wife reminded him that less than an hour earlier he had specifically requested several hours of rain.

"Not like this."

She asked what type of rain he had wanted.

"You know."

She did not.

Highly Specific Weather Requested

The man has since clarified that his preferred rainfall would occur exclusively between approximately 2am and 5am.

It should be heavy enough to water gardens but quiet enough not to wake anybody.

Roads should be completely dry by 7am.

Weekends are excluded.

Bank holidays are also unacceptable.

Rain during barbecues would be prohibited entirely.

Experts have described these requirements as "British."

Local resident Margaret Collins expressed similar views.

"I don't mind rain overnight," she said.

"As long as it's nice during the day."

Asked how often this exact arrangement should occur, Margaret replied:

"Whenever we need it."

Meteorologists have been notified.

Town Divided By Temperature

The rainfall has also reopened Eastbourne's annual debate regarding whether it is warm, cold, humid, muggy or "actually quite fresh."

One resident described conditions as freezing.

He was wearing shorts.

Another complained it was unbearably humid before putting on a jumper.

A third opened a window, complained about the draught and closed it again.

Scientists have abandoned attempts to establish Eastbourne's preferred weather conditions.

Lawn Recovers Too Successfully

By early afternoon, the man's lawn had visibly benefited from the rain.

This created another problem.

"It'll need cutting now."

His wife declined to comment.

The resident is reportedly considering submitting a formal request for three consecutive dry days to allow the grass to recover sufficiently for mowing.

He would then like approximately forty minutes of moderate rainfall.

Preferably overnight.

Sunshine Now Requested

By 3pm, the man had begun checking several weather apps.

He rejected the first forecast because he didn't like it.

The second was described as "more promising."

The third showed sunshine later in the week and was immediately declared the most accurate.

"You can't trust these forecasts anyway," he explained while continuing to check them every twenty minutes.

At the time of publication, the rain had stopped.

The resident walked outside.

He inspected the garden.

He looked towards the sky.

Then he delivered his latest meteorological assessment:

"Bit muggy now."

Eastbourne's weather crisis continues.