Eastbourne Water Boss To Be Asked Difficult Question: ‘Have You Tried Keeping The Water In The Pipes?’

By Robin Sheffield, Council Watch

EASTBOURNE — A fictional meeting between local representatives and the boss of a fictional water company is expected to address one of the most challenging questions facing the industry:

Have you tried keeping the water inside the pipes?

The revolutionary proposal follows continued frustration over water supplies, leaks and restrictions across the region, with residents increasingly interested in discovering what exactly their bills are purchasing.

Officials are reportedly preparing a detailed presentation explaining the traditional water-company business model.

Step one: obtain water.

Step two: put water into pipes.

Step three: ideally, don't lose loads of it on the way.

It is step three that appears to require further work.

New CEO Receives Helpful Suggestions

Residents have submitted several ideas ahead of the fictional meeting.

Suggestions include:

Fix leaking pipes.

Have enough water.

Make water come out of taps.

And:

Stop sending letters explaining why none of the above happened.

Local resident Graham Collins believes the company should focus on basics.

"I don't understand water infrastructure," he admitted.

"But I've got a hosepipe in my garden and even I've worked out the water is supposed to stay inside it."

Industry experts have asked Graham not to oversimplify matters.

‘Ongoing Challenges’ Translated

Officials are expected to discuss what the water industry often describes as ongoing challenges.

Residents have requested clarification.

"Does that mean the water's off again?" asked one.

A fictional spokesperson stressed that the situation is significantly more complicated.

The resident turned on his tap.

Nothing happened.

"Right."

Groundbreaking Pipe Strategy Considered

Engineers are reportedly examining an innovative concept known as Fixing The Leak.

Under the experimental system, when water begins escaping from a pipe, somebody would locate the damaged section and repair it.

Early computer modelling suggests this could result in less water escaping from the pipe.

Researchers were stunned.

The project may now proceed to a feasibility study, followed by a consultation, strategic review and another summer.

Residents Also Asked To Save Water

Customers are meanwhile reminded to use water responsibly.

Recommended measures include shorter showers, avoiding unnecessary garden watering and staring angrily at any leaking pipe encountered in public.

Graham said he understands the need to conserve supplies.

"I'll save as much as I can."

He pointed towards the road.

"Can you tell that pipe to do the same?"

Nobody could.

Meeting Expected To Be Productive

The fictional meeting is expected to conclude with everyone agreeing that lessons must be learned, investment must continue and customers deserve a reliable service.

A robust action plan will then be produced.

Residents have requested that the action plan contain water.

Officials say this demonstrates a fundamental misunderstanding of action plans.

For now, expectations remain straightforward.

"We don't need anything fancy," Graham said.

"Turn the tap."

"Water comes out."

"Keep doing that."

At the time of publication, industry officials were understood to be considering the proposal.

Early indications suggest it could be transformational.

Although further consultation may be required.