Eastbourne Gulls Launch Own Food Delivery Service Where Customers Order Lunch And Never Receive It

By Sally Squawks, Seagull Affairs Correspondent

EASTBOURNE — Eastbourne’s seagulls have entered the rapidly growing food delivery market with a revolutionary new service where customers order lunch, pay for it and then never receive anything.

The new platform, reportedly operating under the name Gulliveroo, launched across Eastbourne this week following what its founders described as "years of experience moving food quickly around the seafront."

Unlike traditional delivery services, Gulliveroo uses a network of highly trained birds to collect meals from participating locations.

Unfortunately, the food is then immediately eaten.

Company representatives insist this is intentional.

"We've removed the inefficient final stage where the food actually reaches the customer," explained founder Gerald Gull.

"It's disruptive."

Ordering Is Surprisingly Easy

Customers use the fictional Gulliveroo app in much the same way as any other delivery platform.

They select their meal.

Enter their address.

Pay.

Then watch a tiny seagull icon collect their order and fly in completely the wrong direction.

The estimated delivery time initially displays:

18–25 MINUTES

After collection, this changes to:

YOUR RIDER APPEARS TO HAVE LANDED ON A ROOF

Shortly afterwards:

YOUR ORDER HAS BEEN COMPLETED

It hasn't.

First Customer Loses Entire Lunch

Eastbourne resident Graham Collins became one of the service's first customers after ordering a sausage roll, crisps and drink.

"I thought it sounded convenient."

The app notified Graham that his rider, Kevin, had collected the order.

Kevin currently has a customer rating of 2.1 stars.

Graham watched the tracking screen.

"He left the shop."

"Flew towards the seafront."

"Then stopped moving."

Approximately four minutes later, Graham received a photograph confirming delivery.

The photograph showed Kevin eating his sausage roll on top of a chimney.

"I don't even live near that chimney."

Customer Support Unhelpful

Graham immediately contacted Gulliveroo customer support.

An automated message asked:

DID YOUR ORDER ARRIVE?

Graham selected NO.

The app responded:

ARE YOU SURE?

He selected YES.

The app then asked him to upload photographic evidence that he did not possess a sausage roll.

"I wasn't entirely sure how to photograph that."

His refund request remains under review.

Premium Service Announced

Gulliveroo has already launched a subscription package.

For £8.99 per month, Gulliveroo Plus customers receive unlimited free delivery on orders they will never see.

Premium members also receive priority theft during busy periods.

A more expensive package, Gulliveroo Gold, guarantees that at least one chip will reach the customer's postcode.

The company cannot guarantee condition.

Riders Reject Criticism

Several gull delivery riders defended the service.

"We collect food."

"We transport food."

"Food reaches a destination."

Asked whether that destination should normally be the customer's house, one rider became defensive.

"That's your interpretation of delivery."

Another gull claimed customers simply misunderstand the business model.

"You order lunch."

"We deliver disappointment."

"Very reliable."

Anonymous Seagull Raises Concerns

The Seagull Times attempted to contact Anonymous Seagull for information about the company.

A message arrived several hours later.

It contained only:

DON'T TRUST GERALD.

No further explanation was provided.

Gerald Gull denied any wrongdoing and insisted Gulliveroo operates entirely independently from Eastbourne's alleged organised chip-theft network.

He then asked us to stop asking questions about Big Beak.

We had not mentioned Big Beak.

Business Expanding Rapidly

Despite terrible reviews, Gulliveroo is reportedly expanding.

Hundreds of birds have already applied to become riders.

Requirements include:

• Ability to fly.
• Strong knowledge of Eastbourne rooftops.
• No emotional attachment to customers.
• Previous pastry experience desirable.
• Willingness to work weekends.

Pigeons may apply but will only be considered for crumb deliveries.

Reviews Pour In

Customer reviews have been mixed.

★☆☆☆☆ — "Ordered chips. Gull ate chips."

★☆☆☆☆ — "Driver stared through my window afterwards."

★★☆☆☆ — "Drink arrived. No lid."

One customer awarded five stars.

★★★★★ — "Fast service."

Investigators discovered the review was written by Gerald.

Company Declares Launch A Success

Gulliveroo insists its first week has exceeded expectations.

Thousands of meals have reportedly been collected.

Almost none have arrived.

Company executives consider this an exceptional retention rate.

At the time of publication, Sally Squawks attempted to order lunch through the service for investigative purposes.

Her rider collected it within seven minutes.

The tracking screen then displayed:

KEVIN HAS YOUR ORDER.

Sally immediately cancelled it.

Too late.

Kevin had already taken off.