Eastbourne Festival Confirms Event Is Definitely Going Ahead Right Up Until Moment It Definitely Isn’t

By Robin Sheffield, Editor

EASTBOURNE — Festival organisers appear to have pioneered an exciting new approach to event communication known as “We'll Tell You Eventually.”

Customers had been reassured that the event on Eastbourne seafront was going ahead, only for Saturday afternoon to bring a slight change of plan.

First, the opening was delayed while conditions were assessed.

Then another update was promised.

Then people waited for the update.

Eventually, the festival was postponed.

Those who had already travelled considerable distances responded with the traditional Eastbourne expression:

“Oh, for God's sake.”

Four-Stage Communication Strategy

Experts believe organisers successfully deployed a sophisticated information system:

Stage One: It's happening.

Stage Two: It's still happening, just later.

Stage Three: We'll tell you what's happening shortly.

Stage Four: It's not happening.

Customers described the process as confusing.

The weather described it as Saturday.

Forecast Proves Difficult To Decode

Some customers questioned why the decision came so late when poor weather had already been forecast.

However, weather forecasts are notoriously complicated documents.

A symbol showing strong wind, for example, can sometimes indicate strong wind.

Several hours of predicted strong wind can occasionally suggest several hours of strong wind.

This advanced meteorological knowledge is normally restricted to anyone with a phone.

Comments Problem Successfully Solved

As criticism increased online, comments on some social media posts were reportedly switched off.

This immediately reduced the number of angry comments appearing underneath those posts to zero.

A stunning success.

Unfortunately, customers discovered the rest of the internet.

The strategy collapsed almost immediately.

Customers Await Next Update

Organisers have said they are working towards a replacement date, with existing tickets remaining valid.

Customers are now waiting for further information and hoping communication improves next time.

Some have suggested a radical alternative approach:

Decide what's happening.

Tell everybody.

Then don't change it an hour later unless absolutely necessary.

Experts are studying the proposal.

Meanwhile, Eastbourne's weather has declined to comment.

Its comments have been turned off.