Council Announces Crackdown On Potholes By Officially Redefining What Counts As A Hole

By Robin Sheffield, Editor

EAST SUSSEX — A fictional Sussex council has announced a major crackdown on potholes by introducing a new definition that means thousands of them may no longer technically exist.

Under the fictional Highway Surface Reclassification Strategy, a pothole will no longer automatically be considered a pothole simply because there is a large hole in the road.

Instead, defects will need to meet strict new criteria.

Officials say the changes will allow highways teams to concentrate resources on the most serious problems.

Residents say they've just renamed the holes.

"Absolutely not," said a fictional spokesperson.

"We've reclassified them."

Pothole Must Now Be 'Properly Holey'

Under the new fictional criteria, road damage would need to achieve sufficient depth, width and "overall hole characteristics" before officially qualifying as a pothole.

Anything smaller could instead be classified as a:

Surface Depression

Carriageway Irregularity

Temporary Road Feature

or:

Unexpected Tyre Experience

Resident Graham Collins welcomed the clarification after driving into one.

"Nearly took my wheel off."

Officials inspected the damage.

"Surface depression."

Graham appeared relieved.

"That's alright then."

Numbers Fall Overnight

The fictional strategy has already produced impressive results.

Before reclassification, one road reportedly contained seventeen potholes.

Following assessment, it now contains two.

No repairs were carried out.

"This demonstrates significant progress," officials said.

The remaining fifteen holes continue to be visible, but residents are encouraged not to think of them negatively.

"They're part of the road."

Residents Asked To Measure Holes

Motorists reporting potholes could also be asked to provide photographs showing the scale of the damage.

Suggested reference objects include rulers, coins and drink cans.

One resident placed an entire traffic cone inside a hole.

Officials said the photograph was inconclusive.

Another submitted a picture of a small child standing inside one.

The report was escalated.

New Categories Cause Confusion

The classification system has reportedly created several additional categories.

A hole large enough to cause discomfort but not vehicle damage may become a Level Two Surface Concern.

A deeper hole could become a Priority Carriageway Deficiency.

Anything capable of swallowing a small hatchback will be referred to as urgent.

Residents asked what happens if the road disappears completely.

"That would require assessment."

Innovative Repair Technique Proposed

Officials are also considering a groundbreaking new approach to particularly troublesome potholes.

A white line could be painted around them.

This would allow drivers to see the hole more clearly before hitting it.

Residents suggested filling it instead.

Officials said that would fall under a separate programme.

Public Asked To Remain Patient

Drivers have been reassured that genuine potholes will continue to be investigated and repaired according to normal procedures.

Anything that doesn't meet the fictional new definition will remain where it is.

Graham remains unconvinced.

"If it's a hole."

"And it's in the road."

"What's wrong with calling it a pothole?"

Officials explained that highways terminology is more nuanced than that.

Graham drove away.

He immediately hit another one.

At the time of publication, it was unclear whether it technically happened.