Bexhill Quietly Enjoys Lovely Afternoon While Eastbourne, Hastings And Brighton Argue About Everything

By Derek Pebbles, Sussex Correspondent

BEXHILL-ON-SEA — Residents of Bexhill have reportedly enjoyed an exceptionally pleasant afternoon while Eastbourne, Hastings and Brighton remained occupied arguing about which Sussex seaside town is better.

The remarkable period of peace began shortly after lunchtime when an Eastbourne resident described Hastings as "nice for a visit."

Hastings immediately demanded clarification.

Brighton then became involved despite nobody asking.

While hostilities escalated elsewhere, Bexhill residents simply carried on with their day.

"We had a coffee," said local resident Margaret Collins.

"Then we walked along the seafront."

"Nobody shouted anything."

"It was lovely."

Bexhill really does sit between Eastbourne and Hastings on the Sussex coast, making its role as our permanently exhausted neutral territory geographically convenient.

Trouble Begins Elsewhere

The latest dispute reportedly started when Hastings accused Eastbourne of being "too posh."

Eastbourne responded by pointing towards Hastings.

Brighton then entered proceedings and suggested both towns should "calm down."

This united Eastbourne and Hastings immediately.

"Nobody asked Brighton," representatives from both towns said simultaneously.

It was the closest the two had come to peace all week.

Bexhill Refuses To Participate

Attempts were made to involve Bexhill in the debate.

Residents declined.

One journalist reportedly asked a local man whether Eastbourne or Hastings had the better seafront.

"Don't care," he replied.

Pressed for an answer, he pointed towards Bexhill's own seafront.

"This one's alright."

He then continued eating his sandwich.

Experts described the response as dangerously sensible.

Brighton Continues Talking

Meanwhile, Brighton reportedly began explaining why it was different from both Eastbourne and Hastings.

Nobody remembers asking.

Eastbourne countered with Beachy Head.

Hastings mentioned 1066.

Brighton mentioned culture.

Hastings mentioned culture louder.

Eastbourne pointed at its flowerbeds.

The debate became impossible to follow.

Back in Bexhill, somebody bought an ice cream.

Residents Concerned Peace May End

By mid-afternoon, Bexhill residents began worrying that one of the neighbouring towns might remember they existed.

"We're having a really nice day," said another resident.

"We don't need dragging into this."

Emergency plans have reportedly been prepared should tensions spread.

If approached by Eastbourne, residents will say Hastings is lovely.

If approached by Hastings, they will say Eastbourne is lovely.

If approached by Brighton, residents will pretend not to be home.

Bexhill Declares Victory By Not Competing

As evening approached, Eastbourne and Hastings remained locked in negotiations over piers, beaches, parking, architecture and which town has the most aggressive seagulls.

Brighton had somehow started talking about house prices.

Bexhill remained peaceful.

Nobody had won the argument.

Bexhill therefore declared itself the winner.

"We weren't actually competing," Margaret explained.

"Exactly."

At the time of publication, the sun was beginning to set over the Sussex coast.

Eastbourne was still arguing.

Hastings was still arguing.

Brighton was preparing a twelve-minute explanation of why it technically wasn't comparable.

And Bexhill had gone for a cup of tea.