Sussex Villages Locked In Fierce Competition To Host Slowest Summer Fête

SUSSEX — Villages across Sussex are reportedly competing to host the county's slowest summer fête, with organisers promising visitors "an afternoon where absolutely nothing happens particularly quickly."

Events include a tombola that opens after the volunteer has finished her cup of tea, a dog show running approximately 90 minutes behind schedule and a classic car display interrupted by someone asking if anyone has seen Brian.

Organisers insist the relaxed pace is part of the charm.

"We don't believe in rushing," said fête chairman Peter Wilcox.

"If people wanted efficiency, they wouldn't have come to a village green."

Visitors can enjoy homemade cakes, gently overpriced plants, a brass band performing songs everyone vaguely recognises and a queue for tea that has remained in roughly the same place since 1998.

Children hoping to win prizes on the coconut shy were reminded to wait while somebody located the coconuts.

Meanwhile, the raffle draw was briefly postponed after the winning ticket was accidentally sold to the woman drawing the raffle.

Residents described the day as "another huge success."

"It wasn't exciting," admitted one attendee.

"But then it never is."

"And that's exactly why we come every year."