Eastbourne Declares Independence From UK After Town Discovers It Has Enough Hotels, Seagulls And Pensioners To Become Self-Sufficient

By Jeanette Deckchair, Community & Lifestyle Correspondent

EASTBOURNE — Eastbourne has dramatically declared independence from the United Kingdom after residents concluded the town already possesses everything required to function as a sovereign nation.

The newly formed People's Republic of Eastbourne announced independence shortly after 9am, following an emergency meeting lasting approximately twelve minutes.

"We've got hotels, theatres, shops, the Downs and enough seagulls to defend the coastline," explained local resident Graham Collins.

"What exactly are we waiting for?"

The motion passed immediately.

Borders Established

Eastbourne's new international border reportedly runs somewhere beyond Polegate, although nobody has agreed precisely where.

Visitors will still be welcomed, provided they answer a simple immigration question:

"Brighton or Eastbourne?"

Anyone answering Brighton will be politely turned around.

Anyone answering "both are nice" will be detained for further questioning.

Seagulls Form Air Force

National defence has been handed to Eastbourne's substantial gull population.

Military officials estimate thousands of highly experienced birds are already capable of aerial surveillance, precision swooping and stealing food from hostile forces.

Sally Squawks has reportedly been appointed Commander of Gull Intelligence.

Anonymous Seagull will handle covert operations.

Their identity remains classified.

Obviously.

Economy Backed By Tea

The new Eastbourne currency, the Seafront Pound, will reportedly be backed by strategic reserves of tea, biscuits and unused hotel toiletries.

One Seafront Pound is currently worth approximately one cup of tea.

Inflation rises to £3.80 anywhere overlooking the sea.

Residents over 65 automatically receive a complimentary loyalty card.

National Emergency Supplies Prepared

Government officials have begun stockpiling essential resources.

These include deckchairs, windbreaks, sausage rolls, umbrellas and approximately 400,000 emergency cardigans for residents who leave home because "it looked warm through the window."

The nation is considered capable of surviving independently for several months.

Assuming nobody needs to park.

Independence Immediately Questioned

Celebrations were briefly interrupted when somebody pointed out Eastbourne still relies heavily on the rest of Britain for food, energy, transport, healthcare and almost everything else required by a modern economy.

Graham dismissed the concerns.

"We've got a Tesco."

Officials explained that wasn't quite how international trade worked.

The meeting was temporarily suspended.

Independence Lasts Until Lunchtime

By midday, several complications had emerged.

Nobody knew how passports worked.

The Seafront Pound had been rejected by three shops.

The gull air force had abandoned its patrol after spotting somebody eating chips.

And residents discovered declaring independence did not remove parking restrictions.

Support collapsed immediately.

Eastbourne formally rejoined the United Kingdom at 12.47pm.

Graham described the experiment as "worth a try."

Normality has now returned.

However, Eastbourne has retained one element of its short-lived foreign policy.

The border with Brighton remains closed.