Eastbourne Carpet Gardens Survey Confirms Every Resident Wants Something Completely Different

By Clive Deckington, Journalist

EASTBOURNE — Eastbourne's long-running national debate over what some flowers opposite the seafront should look like has entered its next crucial phase after a 15-week public consultation finally closed.

Residents were invited to give their views on the future design of the Carpet Gardens, the prominent flower beds between Eastbourne Pier and the Bandstand which have somehow become one of the town's most fiercely contested political issues.

Independent consultants will now undertake the unenviable task of counting the responses and determining precisely what Eastbourne wants.

Early indications suggest Eastbourne has absolutely no idea.

Residents United In Disagreement

The consultation follows months of passionate discussion about the appearance of the gardens, including criticism that sections previously resembled "cat litter trays."

Since then, local Facebook groups have provided an invaluable public forum where residents can calmly exchange ideas before eventually accusing each other of ruining Eastbourne.

Some want the traditional colourful displays restored.

Others prefer sustainable planting.

Some want more flowers.

Some want different flowers.

At least one person wants everything returned to exactly how it looked in 1978.

Nobody has photographs from 1978.

This has not weakened their position.

Consultants Face Impossible Task

Officials have thanked residents for taking part and said the results will be collated into a final report.

The Seagull Times understands this will involve converting thousands of variations of "IT LOOKS BLOODY AWFUL" into usable statistical data.

Consultants must also distinguish between residents who dislike the current gardens and residents who dislike whatever eventually replaces them.

Experts expect considerable overlap.

Facebook Groups Prepare For Results

Attention now turns to September 11, when the findings are due to be published.

Local Facebook groups are understood to have entered a heightened state of readiness.

Several residents have already prepared comments despite not knowing what the results are.

One has reportedly typed "WHAT A WASTE OF MONEY" into their notes app so it can be deployed immediately.

Another is waiting to see the winning design before announcing that nobody asked them.

Whatever happens next, one thing appears certain.

If the Carpet Gardens are redesigned, people will complain.

If they aren't redesigned, people will complain.

And if they somehow become the most beautiful gardens in Britain, somebody from Eastbourne will post a photograph from 1996 underneath and write:

"Still not as good as they used to be."